Emotional Intelligence : When emotions run high
Emotions are complex, powerful, and often unpredictable. While most of us have some understanding of our own emotional landscape, dealing with the emotions of others can be far trickier. Whether at home, with friends, or in the workplace, knowing how to respond to someone’s anger, frustration, or sadness can feel daunting.
This is where emotional intelligence—the ability to recognize, understand, and manage emotions in yourself and others—becomes a vital skill. It’s not just about staying calm or thinking positively; it’s about creating a safe, supportive space for someone else’s feelings without letting guilt, defensiveness, or anxiety hijack your responses.
In this post, we’ll explore the challenges people face when handling the emotions of others, why it matters, and practical strategies to help you feel more confident and comfortable navigating these emotional interactions.
Why dealing with other people’s emotions feels hard
It’s easy to tell someone, “Calm down” or “Don’t take it so personally,” but for the person experiencing strong emotions, this advice often falls flat. Emotions are not logic; they cannot simply be switched off. When someone cries, expresses anger, or shows frustration, it can trigger unexpected responses in the listener, even if the listener’s intentions are positive.
For example, imagine a colleague becomes upset about a workplace issue. You might instinctively want to fix the problem or offer advice. But often, this response can trigger guilt or defensiveness. You might start worrying: “Did I do something wrong?” or “Am I saying the wrong thing?” These feelings can shape your behaviour, causing you to react in ways that may unintentionally escalate tension.
This cycle is surprisingly common. Instead of supporting the person who is upset, the listener’s discomfort can shift the focus onto themselves, which can make the situation worse. In personal relationships, this may create distance or reduce trust. In professional settings, it can lead to lower morale, decreased collaboration, and even ongoing conflict within teams.
Key to understanding
Emotional intelligence (EI) involves recognising emotions—both yours and others’—and responding thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively. Psychologist Daniel Goleman, a pioneer in EI research, highlights five core components of emotional intelligence:
Self-awareness: Recognizing your own emotional responses.
Self-regulation: Managing your impulses and reactions.
Motivation: Staying focused on positive outcomes.
Empathy: Understanding and sharing the feelings of others.
Social skills: Navigating interactions to maintain healthy relationships.
When applied to dealing with other people’s emotions, EI enables you to notice your discomfort, pause before reacting, and choose responses that are constructive rather than defensive.
Common mistakes when responding to emotional situations
Even with the best intentions, it’s easy to fall into patterns that undermine support:
Problem-Solving Too Soon: Offering solutions before someone is ready can make them feel unheard. It shifts attention from their emotions to your ideas.
Minimizing Feelings: Statements like “Don’t worry” or “It’s not a big deal” can inadvertently invalidate the other person’s experience.
Taking It Personally: Feeling guilty or responsible for someone else’s emotions can make you defensive or anxious.
Avoiding the Conversation: Some people withdraw or distract themselves to escape discomfort, which can make the other person feel isolated.
Recognising these tendencies is the first step toward responding more effectively.
Strategies for supporting others
The good news is that supporting others’ emotions doesn’t require perfect empathy or expert counselling skills. With practice, you can gain confidence in these situations. Here are some practical strategies:
Pause and observe
Before responding, take a breath and notice your own feelings. Are you anxious, guilty, or defensive? A simple mental check-in—“I feel uncomfortable right now”—can prevent automatic reactions that escalate tension.
Practice active listening
One of the most powerful ways to support someone is simply to listen. This means:
Maintaining eye contact.
Nodding or using small verbal acknowledgments like “I hear you.”
Avoiding interruptions or jumping in with advice.
Active listening communicates that their feelings are valid and respected, which is often more helpful than problem-solving.
Ask, don’t assume
Instead of offering advice, ask the person how you can help:
“What would be helpful right now?”
“Do you want me to listen or help you figure this out?”
This gives control back to the person experiencing the emotions, showing respect for their needs and avoiding the trap of assuming you know what’s best.
Name the emotion
Sometimes, simply identifying the emotion can help:
“It seems like you’re really frustrated about this.”
“I can see that you’re upset.”
Labelling emotions demonstrates empathy and helps the person feel understood, without judgment or the need for immediate solutions. Did you know there are around 2000 words for different emotions? How many can you name?
Maintain healthy boundaries
Supporting someone else doesn’t mean taking on their emotions. Maintain healthy boundaries by:
Acknowledging your limits: “I want to support you, but I also need to stay grounded.”
Managing your energy: Avoid overcommitting emotionally or trying to “fix” their feelings.
Boundaries allow you to be present without getting overwhelmed, which benefits both parties.
Reflect
After an emotionally charged interaction, take time to reflect:
What worked well in your response?
What triggered defensiveness or discomfort?
How could you respond differently next time?
Reflection strengthens emotional intelligence and prepares you for future interactions.
Applying emotional intelligence in the workplace
Workplaces present a unique challenge because emotions overlap with roles, responsibilities, and team dynamics. Mismanaged emotions can affect productivity, collaboration, and overall morale.
By adapting emotional intelligence in the workplace, leaders and colleagues can:
Reduce misunderstandings and conflict.
Improve communication and collaboration.
Encourage psychological safety, where team members feel safe to express concerns.
Build stronger, more resilient relationships.
For instance, a manager responding to a team member’s frustration about a project deadline can use active listening, validate feelings, and ask how they can support the employee, rather than dismissing the concern or jumping straight to solutions. This approach builds trust and encourages future open communication. Trust is key to healthy workplace relationships. Without trust, communication breaks down, misunderstandings increase, and people are more likely to become defensive or disengaged, which can damage morale and collaboration across the team.
Being able to handle other people’s emotions is not just about being “nice” or avoiding conflict. It’s about:
Strengthening relationships.
Preventing escalation of negative emotions.
Creating environments—personal and professional—where people feel heard, respected, and understood.
Research consistently shows that emotional intelligence is linked to better relationships, higher job satisfaction, and improved leadership effectiveness (source: Goleman, D., Emotional Intelligence, 199) . By learning to navigate emotions—your own and others’—you invest in healthier, more productive connections.
Developing emotional intelligence is not about having all the answers or fixing other people’s emotions—it’s about building awareness, confidence, and the ability to respond thoughtfully when emotions run high. If you would like to explore emotional intelligence training for yourself, your team, or your organisation, you are welcome to get in touch to discuss your needs. You can contact us at hello@neupauer.org to start the conversation.
Edit by Chat