Are Your Employees Behaving Like Children?

The last few months have generated a huge variety of emotions and behaviours as we continue to grapple with the challenges generated by the Covid-19 crisis.

We all react differently to problems that arise in our lives, reflecting our different life circumstances and different personalities. But maybe you’ve found the time to think about your reactions to the pandemic.

And instead of rushing around, dealing reactively with each difficult situation as it unfolds, are looking for some answers as to why you and others behave the way they do. In ways that often appear quite negative.

Answers that you can apply in the workplace to help you handle your staff more effectively. And to create a healthier working culture. Particularly if it feels at times like you are managing a room full of children!

Games people play

I don't know about you, but I can recall more than one occasion recently when I’ve felt like a two-year-old having a full-blown tantrum, rather than an adult. On the other hand, my seven-year-old daughter has shown very mature behaviour on many occasions.

One way of understanding and tackling negative behavioural patterns in the workplace is to use a form of psychotherapy called Transactional Analysis. The method can help us understand why people might be behaving the way they are as a precursor to driving personal growth and personal change.

I've known about Transactional Analysis for a few years now and I still find it both fascinating and surprising that we're not taught it at school as it’s such a useful tool.

So, what exactly is Transactional Analysis?

It was developed in the 1950s by psychologist Eric Berne, who realised that people could switch between different states of mind at different times. Sometimes even in the same conversation and certainly in different areas of their lives such as home or work.

The concept is based on the three ego-states he identified, which we all operate within: The Parent, The Child and The Adult.

Let’s have a look at each one, and the behaviours specific to each state.

The Parent

This state is influenced by our own parents and other people of authority in our lives, such as teachers or other members of our family. Typical clues are standing with hands-on-hips, pursed lips, pointing the index finger, arms crossed across chest, sighing, being critical or judgmental. But also, being supportive and nurturing.

Words often heard when in the Parent state are ‘nonsense’, ‘naughty’, ‘how dare you!’, ‘lazy’, ‘stupid’, ‘disgusting’, ‘poor thing’, ‘you should‘, ‘not again!’.

It is important to bear in mind that these are clues to someone’s ego-state and are not necessarily a definitive indication of their state of mind at that point.

The Child

This is a state which has its roots in our early childhood, and the behaviours and feelings we developed at that important stage in our lives. As children, our early responses are non-verbal. So, in the Child state, physical responses are most readily apparent, such as tears, temper tantrums, eyes rolling, shrugging of the shoulders, hand raising for permission to speak, giggling, delight, laughter.

Phrases often used are ‘I don't care’, ‘I want’, ‘I don't know’, ‘I guess’, ‘I wish’. And a favourite game is 'Mine is better'.

As adults, we can sometimes find ourselves in the Child state, especially when our emotions are running high. Once you can recognise this, you will be able to control your responses better, adapting your behaviour to the environment.

The Adult

When we are not telling people what to do or having a temper tantrum, we are in our Adult state. Reasonable, logical, interested in others, asking questions instead of making assumptions, listening. Accepting other peoples’ opinions even if they’re different from our own.

Staying in the Adult state can help us avoid a lot of conflicts, whether at home or work. When you feel yourself reacting emotionally it means you're entering your Child state. It's up to you to change it.

One way to overcome this challenge is to remind yourself what state you would like to be in or how helpful/unhelpful your behaviour will be in a given situation.

Changing our behaviour

As a parent, you will experience all three behaviour types.

I'm trying to be honest with my daughter when I act like a child. So she knows we can all get into different states and there is no shame in it. In fact, instead of an argument escalating we can laugh at my immature behaviour.

And I can teach my children that nobody is perfect. We all have days when we want to act like a two-year-old.

The important thing is that we can bounce back from these moods to a more considered, mature behaviour pattern.

Deciding what you want

Self-awareness is a powerful tool that can help us deal effectively with many issues we encounter in life. The questions that matter is the ones you ask yourself. And developing better self-awareness gives you the opportunity to transform your behaviour.

It is the unknown that often makes us agitated because we don't know what to expect or what we might need to fix. Transactional Analysis provides a practical, easy-to-understand way of getting to grips with these issues. 

People’s behaviour can be complex but is often relatively straightforward. If someone you're talking to response in their Child state, is it because you spoke to them from your Parent state? Which would then explain why you get a child-like response or a 'who are you to tell me what to do' Parent-like response.

How can you move the conversation into the Adult state? 

How can I help?

Ultimately, the aim is to free yourself from inappropriate, displaced and dysfunctional emotions and behaviours that fail to reflect your current life circumstances.

And to move toward an adult autonomy that promotes personal growth, improves your wellbeing and helps you reach your full potential in all areas of life.

If you're struggling with your behaviour, please get in touch [insert link] and we can explore the options to get you to a better place.

Please note these are my personal observations, based on my own experience, and if you suffer from any mental health issues, please do seek professional medical advice.