Effective Communication: Listening to People When They Talk

Management guru Peter Drucker once said, ’The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.’ Drucker hit the nail on the head with this comment. If you want to improve your communication skills, you must first learn to listen. And I don’t mean listening to your inner voice. I mean listening actively to the person you’re talking to, focusing on what they’re saying (or not saying) and demonstrating to them that they have your full attention.

There are all sorts of barriers to effective communication, which I covered in an earlier  blog post you can read here. A crucial element in this is finding out what might be stopping you from listening to others.

Know thyself

If you want to be a great communicator, self-awareness is your first step to success. Because without knowing what is going on in your head you won’t be able to control what comes out of your mouth. And if you keep talking without listening you’ll fail to understand the needs, feelings and wishes of the other person, making your chances of effective communication very slim.

This self-awareness extends to the various distractions that might act as a barrier to your listening. These include external distractions, for example,  a radio playing  in the background or another conversation taking place in the same room. But the biggest distractions are what’s going on in your own mind. Running over your plans for the evening, being preoccupied with something that’s worrying you or thinking about the next point or question you want to put to the person.   

Be clear on your objectives

Before we get into the nitty gritty of effective communication, you need to have a clear idea of what do you want to get out of the conversation. If it is to get to know the other person better, then you need to ask the right questions to get the information you need.

What lies beyond the conversation? If your aim is to create a long-term, meaningful connection with the person, then you need to make the time you spend with them about them and not about you. You need to make them feel good about themselves and relaxed in your company.

Just think of the occasions when someone gave you the time you needed, listened carefully to what you had to say, and praised or complimented you on something you’d achieved without making the conversation about themselves and their achievements? How did you feel? I bet you grew a few inches! So why not make someone else feel this way?

Whether you’re working with people, managing them, or looking to network and create long-lasting relationships, understanding your ‘why’ will help you to find the best way to get what you want.  

And if your goal is to connect with people in a meaningful way, then I’d highly recommend you read a book by John C. Maxwell called  Everyone Communicates, Few Connect: What the Most Effective People Do Differently. This insightful book offers some great advice on how to relate to and communicate better with other people, whether one-to-one or in group situations.

The world is getting faster

Just like you want others to listen to your ideas, others want you to listen to theirs. Not least because the way we work has changed dramatically in the last 100 years. From monotonous factory work and independent shops, to customer-facing service roles and department stores. Many of the more routine jobs have been replaced by machines. This means that the majority of workplace roles are now people-oriented. Traditional, command-based management and leadership styles that worked then, no longer work now.

We live in an era where learning a new skill is relatively easy, with access to many affordable courses. But communication education hasn’t caught up with the demand and we find our mental health declining because of avoidable conflict and interpersonal issues in the workplace.

What hasn’t changed is our attitude to how we communicate and connect with others. We still know what we want, we just don’t know how to get it. And in an age of instant messaging and next day delivery, we need to recognise that effective communication still takes a bit of work.

Give it time

Spending time with people and listening to what they have to say will help you to understand their needs and their personality. You can then adapt your way of communicating with them accordingly. For example, if the other person prefers facts and data, give them that. Long stories might bore them, and they will lose interest. But if they like to chat and are interested in emotions and caring about people, reflect on that, rather than ignore it because that’s not who you are.

Remember, this is not about you not being authentic or pretending to be someone you’re not. Inevitably, you will ‘gel’ with some people better than others. But there will be people you meet in life where you will need to adapt to their wavelength. In many cases you might do this naturally.

Speaking clearly with someone when English is not their first language. Speaking gently to children. Maybe speaking more loudly and slowly around old people. It’s natural. But when it comes to people around our age we often stop thinking about their needs and preferences and only care about what we have to say. So, if you want to get to know someone better, spend some time with them.

Together, we can do so much…

Relationships need to be nurtured. There are no quick fixes to learning interpersonal communication skills. But the good news is that with a conscious effort you can learn these skills and improve both your existing and future relationships. It’s like learning to ride a bicycle. It can make a huge difference to the quality of your life. And, once learned, is never forgotten.

Drop me a line if you would like a chat about how I can deliver better communication skills in your workplace.